Two years ago today, right now, I was en route to our new life in the US. I woke up that morning and could barely breathe. I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to leave the UK. I didn't want to leave my family. How could I not see my Mum every six weeks? How would I survive?
I didn't know how to 'be' in the US. I felt like I had jumped off the edge of a cliff and was free-falling to a sudden and painful death. I have never been so scared in my whole life.
Now here I am two years later and I wouldn't change it for the world. I've purposely not gone back and read my "One Year Later" post. I can't remember what I said and I wanted to think about things without refreshing my feelings from last year.
This summer is the first year I've really felt settled. I've made friends, proper friends now, people I can talk to about more than just baby poo and summer activities. I've found a community of birthy people, people who get my passion for pregnancy and birth and don't think I'm a crazy hippy for eating my placenta and having my baby at home! I've done some doula work, which always makes me happy! I'm building my photography business and have had steady work for the last few months. I've started doing birth photography and feel like this is what I was born to do.
Most importantly my family is happy. My babies are growing up and my heart shines every day to see them smile and hear them laugh. It helps that the sun shines so much here! It's nice to be home with them and see them grow, and it's nice to fill our days with activities and see new things and go new places.
Of course it's hard sometimes. Finding a balance between working for myself and looking after my boys and finding time for my husband can be challenging. I still miss my Mum like crazy. Yes I can live without seeing her every six weeks, but in a perfect world I would be able to, and it is still the one thing I would change about living here.
I'm glad I grew up in the UK and got to see so much of Europe and other places around the world, but I'm also happy to see my boys grow up here, for now. This is a good place for my family and I can't ask for more than that!
Ahhhh, so I read back my first year post and remembered I had made a list of all the differences I have found here! I can't think of any more off the top of my head, but my 'new' thing for this year is realising words that I will never ever be able to say properly. For example:
Graham - Thomas's new teacher is called Mrs Graham. He laughs every time I say Mrs Graham. It's Mrs Graaaam, I can't say it, it's going to be a long year...
Squirrel.
Horse.
Hill.
Blueberry. Make that any kind of berry.
Pasta.
Any name with an Anna in it. It isn't Anna, it's Ah-na.
There are more. I can't remember right now. I'll have to come back and add them later!
This weekend I took down my most favourite photo of Thomas. This one:
... and replaced it with this one:
It made me start thinking about where I was then and where I am now. This photo was taken by my wonderful PhD student Ice just before I went back to work after maternity leave. He sent me a message one day asking if he could come and take some photos of Thomas as he had a new camera lens. Sure! When he sent me the photos I was so excited!
"Ice - can you take photos like this because you're a good photographer, or because you've got a good camera?"
"It's just the camera" he replied.
Now, three years later, I know he was kind of half telling the truth. Yes the lens matters but there is more to it than that!
These photos are the ones which made me go out and spend a small fortune on a dSLR. I figured in the long run, if I could take photos as good as these, then I would never have to get professional photos done!
My beautiful new (refurbished) camera arrived. And I took some photos. Fully automatic. Maybe just a bit clearer than a point and shoot.
"Oh no", I thought... "have I wasted my money?!" [don't tell my husband!]
I messed around with the camera a bit for the next year, taking 'OK' photos some of the time and pretty rubbish ones the rest of the time. The one day I read a blog post on beginner basics [it doesn't exist any more or I would link it] and decided to try and go manual.
It didn't work so well to start with. I even wrote a blog post about it!
Then I started to get a bit better...
Practice practice practice...
And then of course, along comes the perfect subject to practice on:
And now I get it. I can know what settings I need before I take a photo. I can almost always focus on a moving object (as long as it isn't too fast). I don't over-edit and I try desperately to capture Thomas without him saying 'cheese'.
I'm moving forward and upward with my photography, both with the images I capture, and the photography business I've set up...
All because of that one set of photos taken three years ago!
I've been tagged by the lovely Jenny from Mummy Mishaps in a meme looking at the photo-taking abilities of the little people in our lives. Instead of explaining in great detail, I'll let the photos taken by the very very talented Thomas, speak for themselves :)
Where do I look?
Baby brother!
Silly mummy
My foot is so beautiful...
Daddy is on the IPad again
Cheese!
Cheese daddy!
They really ARE beautiful feet!
Mr scarecrow
Mummy, daddy and the snowman on mummy's birthday!
Leaves are fun
The trees are losing their leaves which means my baby brother is coming!
Mummy, WHAT are you doing?!
To be fair to Thomas, I've got more photos of me with a bump than would exist without his snapping away! AND he takes better photos than his daddy...
If you want to take part, get your photos up and link back to Mamasaurus here!
Last weekend I went on my first Scottish Doula Network retreat and I have been sitting here for days wondering how to write a post about it.I thought before I went that I would come back full of stories and tales to tell.I thought I would take lots of photos and have lots to write about.Well, it seems like I did take a lot of photos… but I don’t have a lot to write about.The retreat was amazing.It was everything I needed and more.There were tears, laughter, stories, therapies, walks, lots of cake and a lot of amazing food.One member summed it up perfectly in her Facebook status update (I hope she doesn’t mind me sharing!):
“laughed, cried, shared food, shared birth stories, made a cloth pad, drew & helped make and then walk in a labyrinth, massaged, hugged, walked and generally had a fabulous time with the lovely ladies at @Scottish Doula Network. Thank you all for a wonderful, emotional, fun weekend, it was great to see you all :)”
It was just a mind-blowing experience and I can’t describe it well enough!I never thought you could put me in a room (well, a nice house in the countryside) for a day, let alone two days and two nights, with a group of women and tell me I would enjoy myself! They came from different walks of life, all with one purpose – to support women during their journeys into motherhood.
So, here are some of the highlights of my weekend:
I made a cloth menstrual pad!We talked about menstruation and how it has become a taboo subject and how we should embrace our monthly cycle rather than shy away from it.Everyone should own a Mooncup (or equivalent!).Everyone should read The Red Tent by Anita Diamant! And maybe every women should think about celebrating their daughters’ first Menarche, so that these women grow up with a positive view of their bodies.
Cake. LOTS of cake.
A walk to a beautiful Loch.
Drawing, making and walking a labyrinth.
I was really sceptical about this beforehand! What can you possibly achieve by drawing a labyrinth?Well, it would seem you can achieve focus, as well as a new, beautiful shape to doodle when on the phone!Labyrinths are not like mazes, as you can’t get lost in a labyrinth.Just follow the path and you will get to the centre.The amazing thing with a labyrinth is that you feel you will never get to the middle.The path takes you close and then veers back out again but as long as you have faith, you will get there.This faith has been translated into the birth and postnatal experience – the walk to the centre of the labyrinth can be seen as your labour and birth journey; once you reach the centre, your baby is born and then you turn around and make your way out.The path back through the labyrinth is just as meaningful and it can be viewed as your journey back through parenthood.Before you mock me, try it! It’s an incredibly centring experience.
On the first evening, we made a rice labyrinth in the gardens of the house and we all walked it together.On the final day, I walked the labyrinth again on my own.This website, Sacred Labyrinth, summed this up perfectly for me: “Your walk can be a healing and sometimes very profound experience or it can be just a pleasant walk. Each time is different.”.My walks were very different, the second one feeling very emotional as I dealt with some fears and anxiety, which I have kept to myself for a while.
So, go away and draw a labyrinth.When your daughter celebrates her Menarche, make a rice labyrinth in the garden and walk through it together.And when you visit old buildings, especially churches and other religious places, look out for the labyrinths in the gardens and on the walls…
And finally - birth stories! One night we sat down and shared birth stories. Some people told their own stories and others told stories of births they had attended. Every story was different and each experience allowed me to gain another insight into the amazing world that I feel privileged to be a part of.
This of course will probably be my one and only Scottish Doula Network retreat. In a way I am glad, because I'm not sure an experience like that can be recreated! It mainly makes me sad though. I'm sad to leave Glasgow and leave behind this brilliant group of women who make me feel like I belong, 100%.
Thank you ladies, for all you gave to me last weekend. It was amazing. x
I took this photo of Thomas yesterday. No editing, nothing changed. It might be one of the best photos I've ever taken. It isn't technically brilliant, but I love it!
